Wednesday, October 29, 2008
TAG it up!!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Tagged
Its not a very exciting picture. I figured out from the date that it was Mothers Day dinner at Olive Garden (us Koelles keep it real!) My grandma always goes to Texas for Mothers Day (my uncle lives there) so we got together on a saturday before she left. This is my family: dad, grandma, Neil, Tera and their families...we have alot of kids. This pic brought back alot of memories, the little guy in the car seat is Brody. Oh, that really cute skinny couple on the end is Dus and I if you cant tell. I remember that he came straight to the OG right from fathers and sons and he was really dirty but totally HOT!! It makes me mad that I used to complain about being fat after I had Brody because obviously I wasnt!! If you want to zoom in to see just how cute I really was, i wont mind!! Thats back in the day where I wore my Clive backpack everywhere and I still fit into all my Volcom and Element shirts...life was good! Now I just get called ma'am everywhere I go and have a belly that hangs over my jeans whether they are tight or not! I shake it quite frequently...you've probably seen it! Ah motherhood!!!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Finally!!...I feel alive again!
Here are a couple of blankets Ive made within the last couple of weeks. Im setting up a table at a friend of mines open boutique house on Nov. 1st so Im getting ready for it. I also making some onsie decals (attempting to anyways) and I'll let you know how it goes.
That first week when the weather started to get really nice we went out and played so much. Saylee did a great job playing on these toys appropriatley and not playing with the wood chips the whole time! She fell in love with this big grasshopper, she would get off, walk over to his face, smile and stroke his big head...it was too cute!!
Brody found this Batman mask at Joanns last week. It was 60% off ($2.00) and he's had it on for the last 7 days. Seriously...all day! Hes crazy for it...he calls me Robin and I call him Batman, I feel like we have an inside joke!
I found this guy in our recycle garbage in my garage a couple of weeks ago. He was making alot of noise and I thought I was gonna find a badger or possum or something hiding somewhere! When I saw this guy I said, "oh, your just a little guy!" then this thing jumped up really high (green goblin style) and scared the CRAP out of me. I laughed about to myself forever. I let him go and he ran back in my gargae somewhere, I think we've got a family chillin at la casa de Hon.
I met up with Mandi and a few Crum girls at the park while she was in town. It was pretty hot but it was fun, we got to hang out. Of coarse I didnt get a picture of us, so the kids will have to do!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Computer gay = no posts!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The event of the millenia!!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
"If your gonna spew...spew into this!"
Friday, October 3, 2008
A Warriors Destiny
For some reason and I don't know why, I have been hesitant to post some feelings on the one thing that consumes my every thought right now. I'm just gonna lay it all out, my story and what I'm feeling. Here goes... In March of this year, my 20 month old little girl was diagnosed "at risk for Autism." This conclusion had been reached after 5 months of excruciating tests, meeting with doctors and ALOT of money.
Saylee was always a good baby, always very quiet and easy going...great sleeper too! I didn't breastfeed her very long (I'm a quitter). Also part of it was because she was very stiff all the time. She never liked to be cuddled or rocked to sleep, it made me sad at first but I just referred to her as my "little robot" and got over it. She reached all of her first milestones within the expected limit and she was a happy little girl. For some unexplained reason (I still don't know why) I never had her vaccinated. I wish I could say it was my motherly gut giving me a bad feeling, but Im sure it was pure laziness. This plays into my story later.
Around 13 months of age, I noticed some weird behavior. She would roll over on her side and stiffen her entire body: Legs together, arms together. Im talking white toesy spread like stars! She would shake because she was flexing so hard. I thought it was wierd, passed it off as "little robot" behavior and moved on with my day. After a few weeks these incidents started occuring more frequently. I started to think she was having some type of seziure, this was happening 10-15 times a day, so I decided to do something about it. Thats when the worst day of my life happened.
She was 14 months old when I took her to the pediatrician for the first time (you can judge me later.) I saw the nurse practitioner and she ran through all the routine questions with me. When we got to the part where she asked when Saylees first word was, I simply replied, "she hasnt said it yet." Instantly she informed me she was concerned and that Saylees hearing needed to be checked. Now, Saylee is an irritable little girl, she doesnt liked being touched or forced to do anything. At this point Im 8 weeks pregnant with Grady and my hormones are on high. I cried as I watched 2 nurses pin my daughter down just so they could check her ears, they were screaming her name in which she was not responding. The NP left to get the head nurse to inform her of the situation. I only thought to myself, "what situation?" I was so confused. Once she arrived she decided to do all these tests again to confirm any suspicions herself. This time Saylee started throwing up because she was crying and screaming so much. Im crying right now as I write this because the sheer terror on her face and her screams still haunt me to this day. After the nurse decided her hearing was okay, it was time to catch up on some vaccines. I know these ladies were already judging my level of horibbleness because I had yet to give my child even one vaccine, I could see it in their eyes. After Saylees horrible ordeal, I had to pin her down to help give her 6 shots (4 live viruses). I left there crying and calling Dustin telling him I will never return to that place, and I havent.
3 months later after EEG's, MRI's and multiple visits to a pediatric neurologist, I was told that my daughter was not seizing, but masturbating! Oh sure, this will make any mother feel better, right? I couldnt phathom this idea. They told us it was a form of self stimulation, I thought, "why the heck does she need to stimulate herself?" The neurologist strongly urged us to start early intervention (at this point no language yet) and after some heated discussions between Dus and I, we decided to give it a go. This brings us to March of this year, because of her "at risk" diagnosis, she qualified for tons of state assistance, we were blessed for that.
Fast forward to today. Saylee sees three therapist a week, (speech, OT, developmental) and she sees a chiropractor who practices applied kinesiology twice a week. I started her on a GFCF diet (gluten free/casein free) 6 months ago and she takes anywhere from about 6-9 supplements a day. (calcium supplements, cod liver oil, metal detox, enzyme powder, etc.) As you can imagine its been extremely hard. Amongst all this Ive had a brand new baby at home. My close friends and family know that we have seen AMAZING results with our efforts thus far. She clealy is still delayed but six months ago she was like a deaf mute, she didnt make a sound. Now she babbles so much, its starting to get annoying! (not really) I knew a six month eval was required and an offical diagnonsis would help our chances of receiving extra benefits so we set her up for a full psych eval.
Its amazing how much two little words can change your life. I very much knew there was a chance of her being diagnosed with Autism, but to actually hear it... its extremely painful as a parent. Going from "at risk of Austism" to "Autism" itself just rocked my world. I felt more prepared than alot of parents. Im bitter. Im upset that it cost my family over a thousand dollars worth of painful UNNECESSARY tests for some quack brain doctor to tell me my baby is masturbating. After her at-risk diagnosis, I read almost everything I could find on Autism and sensory disorders. I completley understood why my daughter was stimming (self stimulation) and It frustrates me to no end that a trained medical professional had absolutely NO IDEA what was happening to her. Im angry at myself as a mother for letting her receives those six vaccines (one was MMR). She obviously had sensory issues to start worth and I destroyed any chance of her fighting it by breaking down her immune system and making it worse. Im bitter that people are judgmental and stare at you because your daughter is running around with a plastic spoon in her hand. That the minute something or someone would get too close to her she'd have a panic attack.
So heres the obvious "woe is me" part. I played that role for a few weeks. I was destroyed inside and felt like I had failed as a mother before I was ever really given a shot. I read a book about a mothers battle with her son and his fight with Autism and it brought me back to life. This is what I know. I know that losing my mom to cancer at age 12, that watching her slip into a coma and at times not know who I was, was mere preparation. I know that the reason I am such an "outgoing, never embarrassed funny kind of gal" was to prepare me, my entire life has brought me to this point, it was all pre-ordanied. When Im dancing inside a Lowes, singing Yo Gabba Gabba songs, my baby fat is jiggling in places I didnt know exsisted and people are leaving there aisle to come to mine and watch the crazy lady ALL to make my little kids laugh, I feel blessed. Im also blessed to know that the Lord thinks I am strong enough to guide such a sweet and powerful spirit through this life, Saylee is ten times the warrior I will ever be. Im blessed to KNOW IN MY HEART that my mom prepared Saylee to come to this earth and accomplish what it is that she is here to do. I am grateful for friends, some who can relate, some who cannot, who always give me encouraging words and reiterate to me that its FAITH that will help Saylee, not modern drugs.
I love my husband. The average rate of divorce in Autism families is 80%... I can see why. You never feel more tested as a parent then you do when something is wrong with your child and you do not agree with your spouse on a coarse of action. I have been blessed that Dustin cares. He didnt go into denial, he didnt throw himself into his work and leave me to deal alone. He is the first one to tell a complete stranger with tears running down his face that he loves his little girl no matter what. I swells my heart to think of the love and bonds he shares with our children. Dustin, I love you. I love you more than I will ever be able to say.
To Saylee... sweetie, one day I will sit down with you and tell you our story. I will tell you that you are perfect. You will know this because your testimony will confirm it. I hope on this day you can tell me why you did some of the things you did. I will tell you that times got tough but we got through it. We will cry, we will laugh, we will snack on M&Ms because we will be best friends. I will testify to you that all my strength, that all your dads strength was not enough to help, It was the strength of our Lord that carried us all through these times. And after we embrace each other and vocalize the love that is endless for each other, we will go shopping...